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[Conker's Etiquette Guide title screen, iris in on Conker at the bar with mugs of beer in front of him, most of them empty, he has his head in his hand.]

Conker: Ah, that was the best! Utterly delightful. [chuckles and then speaks to the audience.] Earlier tonight, I pulled one of my favorite scams on a complete sucker! Heh, it was so sweet!

[Flashback in cue, cut to Conker in the same spot with a box on top of the bar counter, he has a mug of beer with him too. Nearby are two grey squirrels with a mug each. The "sucker" walks up behind him curious. He somewhat resembles the bartender in BFD, taller than Conker, grey in fur and wearing a dark white shirt. He has a mustache so he's seemingly older than Conker.]

"Sucker": [with a very chav-esque British accent] What's inside that box?

Conker: It's my little friend. [he opens it up to reveal a large pink snail, little battered, his pink shell has a band-aid and his left eye's seen better days.] And he's a real speedster, in fact, he's never lost a race, never.

"Sucker": Shut up! What's he race then? *bleeped* pissed up wankers?

Conker: Well he could beat you!

"Sucker": Do what? Or my *bleeped* shite don't think?

Conker: Okay then! What do you say to this? I bet my friend can get from one end of this pub to the other, before you do.

"Sucker": Right then, you're on! Beer and jellied eels for the winner! All right?

Conker: Okay.

[Iris spiral to the two squirrels in position, Conker has the snail at the ready.]

Conker: On your marks, get set, [the sucker immediately dashes off] go!

[The snail slowly slithers his way but isn't making an effort. The foe meanwhile is making progress, but in slow motion, he slips on a beer mug on the floor and falls, the snail is now ahead of him.]

"Sucker": Would you ever believe it?

[Iris in and out to another scene, Conker's got his snail in his arms while the pub goer is up on his feet and ready for...another round.]

"Sucker": Let's do that again. Only this time, if I don't win, I'll buy you and your bell-end all the beers in the rubber.

[Iris spiral in and out again, as before, the foe's in position while Conker has his snail ready.]

Conker: On your marks, get set, go!

[On "go", the foe dashes off again in a split second. Conker picks up the snail and chucks him. Surpassing the pub-goer and right into the wall ahead of him, sliding all the way down and dazed. Flashback ends and we go back to Conker now with the snail beside him with a full glass. The snail's really dazed and presumably had a few pints.]

Conker: So, how you feeling? [the snail replies audibly with a small mumble] You know it's a good thing you got that hard shell, my little friend! [the snail is so unsteady it soon drops to the floor out of sight, making the table shake, Conker picks up the glass in front of him] I'll just finish this.

Iris out, the sound of a belch is heard.

End of Conker's Etiquette Guide 2.

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