Conker Wiki

[Scene opens with the usual title card, then transitions into the following opening scene, cut to Conker the Squirrel in the bathroom sitting on a toilet with a mug of beer in hand. NOTE: Throughout this short, he'll be talking directly to the audience.]

Conker: Oh, hi there! I really wanna get back to my friend's party at the moment, but I've got a bit of a problem! I've just dropped the kids off at the pool and I can't find any new rolls. [the toilet roll holder has nothing but an empty roll] And it's not the first time this has happened, I can tell ya. [he places his mug on top of the toilet and then looks down into the bowl, hands over his mouth in shock], eergh, the Hershey squirts. I can't just ask someone if they'd be kind enough to hand me a new roll, it would be much too embarrassing. Look, I'm not proud of this but when you're caught in a situation like this, something's got to be sacrificed and it sure as heck ain't gonna be my dignity. 

[With that, Conker looks to his right where a bathtub is next to him, complete with a mauve shower curtain as he ponders, he gives it a feel.]

Conker: Hmm, that's not a bad choice I suppose, but it's pretty hard to get away with, unless I got a family pet to blame it on afterwards.

[Camera zooms out to a pink towel draped over a railing by the sink, shining with temptation

Conker: Tempting, but it's too easily noticed, unless you should throw it out the window. [Camera zooms in on a rather dirty looking toilet brush, by the looks of it, it's been used recently as flies buzz around it]. Are you kidding? If you know where that's been! Huh! [Lighting focusing on his hand dimming out the rest of the camera.]. Not in this country! 

[With that, he looks down to his right, there sitting by the bath is a little pink sponge, shining in place. Conker reaches down to pick it up.]

Conker: An unconventional choice, sure. But think how many days before it's discovered. [A smug and satisfied grin flashes across his face.] That's my advice! Don't be a party pooper and pick what's least likely to hit the fan while you're still there. [Gives the sponge a quick sniff] Hmm, ah...ah! 

[And with that, he places it into position as the camera irises out, the sound of squelching can be heard followed by a flush. You can clearly figure out what just happened.