So far, I only wrote Chapters 1 and 2, as well as the beginning of Chapter 3. Take a look:

Chapter 1

HUNGOVER

Well, here I am! Conker the King…king of all the land! Who'd have thought that? “But how did it come to that?” I hear you say. Well, it's a long story that started yesterday. And what a day that was! It's what I call a Bad Fur Day…

I was at the bar, as I usually am, for a heavy night of binge drinking. In fact, I dare say it was heavier than most of my binge drinking nights. I figured my girlfriend, Berri, would be wondering where I was, so I used the answering machine to give her a ring.

“Hi. You've reached, like, Berri's place,” I heard her beautiful voice say, “I'm not available to answer the phone, obviously! However, if you leave your, like, name and number, and sound cute, I may ring you back. Ciao!”

After that voicemail, I said “Hi Berri. Hello…”. No answer. “Berri, if you’re there pick up.” Still no answer, though I could swear she was there, as I did hear the faint sound of zumba music emanating from inside. I tried one last time. “Hello!” Wouldn’t you know it, NO ANSWER!

I still proceeded with my message, “I'm going to be a bit late. Met up with a couple of guys, and they're off tomorrow to some... I dunno, fight some war somewhere. Anyway, I'll see ya. Love you!”

Back to the binge drinking. “Whose round is it?” I asked, and my friends replied with “YOURS!”

“What? Again? Okay, can somebody lend me a fiver?”

And then it was rum glass after rum glass after rum glass. And it was at glass number six thousand (red squirrels drink faster than you think) that I got the hangover this chapter is named after. A SEVERE hangover, too. I could hardly walk home without going for, say, the toilets. But I did manage.

“Doesn’t look too good tonight,” I said, then walked to a sign, which I really couldn’t make out. This was the first time me and buddies went to “The Cock and Plucker” for our drinking nights.

I then heard a sound. It sounded a lot like wasps buzzing, though I couldn’t quite make it out, but I assumed that was the way home.

Little did I know that this would be the start of a very long adventure.

On the way, I passed out, then woke up finding myself in an unfamiliar place.

“Oh, no,” I thought to myself, “it’s gonna be one of those days…” when a rather ugly-looking thing on a stick turned to me.

“Uh, who are you?” he asked me, as if HE should be the one asking and not me. Nevertheless, I told him about my predicament, “I need to get home and go to bed cause I don't feel very well at all.”

“Err. Home? No. No.” he said, with a drunken slur.

“Oh. So you can’t help me at all?”

“Actually, yeah. Yes. I can. Maybe.”

“Um, okay. What’s your name?”

“Birdy.”

“Okay, Birdy. How can you help me?”

“Right! Step over there.” He then pointed to a short but wide oak stump. I ran up to it and stayed, and from thin air, somehow, something conjured a mug of beer.

“Ah. Don’t mind if I do,” said Birdy, and chugged it down. I still didn’t understand the whole deal behind this, so Birdy explained, “It’s context sensitive. It’s sensitive to context. Try that other one.”

So I went to another short but wide oak stump nearby, and from thin air popped out a bottle of water and a bunch of pills. I took them and bye bye hangover!

“Wow,” I said, “Just what I needed. In fact, it would seem to me that these give me just what I need at that moment in time...ooh...I see what he means. Context sensitive. Clever! And I feel loads better! Right! Let's get out of here.”

But it didn’t seem like I could due to an immense gap. But then I thought of something I saw a fox do once. What did he do again? I thought. Oh yes! He did a funny helicoptery tail thingy that made him hover. I tried that and wouldn’t you know it, it worked!

And so I found myself on a bridge. I walked through it, but as soon as I got to the end, there was a huge gargoyle waiting for me.

“Ah. Who’s this guy?” I said.

“If you think you’re coming this way,” he blurted, in a deep voice, “you can think again.”

“Oh, you're a real charmer. I just wanna get past, please.”

“No! I don't think so. I've only just got comfy. Have you ever sat on a piece of gothic architecture for two hundred years? Gets right up your arse you know. Thought it was about time to move to a bridge, say, and I'm not moving now.”

“Isn't it a little bit early in the day to start talking about gothic architecture?”

“Well, if you care to come a bit closer, we can discuss things of another nature.”

I can take him, I thought. And boy, was I wrong. As soon as I came closer, it was down to the water for me. And as you may or may not know, red squirrels cannot swim.

A few seconds later, I found myself in what looked to me like the Underworld. And then I heard a voice.

"Conker. Conker! Conker!! Yes, you boy. You’re dead. You are dead. Dead as a dodo. Deader than a…" And suddenly I heard nothing. And then the voice revealed himself to be the Grim Reaper!

“I can’t be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption,” he said, throwing the megaphone in his hand to the floor, “Whose idea was this anyway? Right. Hello. My name’s Gregg the Grim Reaper, and don’t laugh.”

“Aren’t you a little short to be a grim reaper?” I asked.

“Well, how many grim reapers have you met before mate? Like, what am I supposed to look like?”

“Yeah. Good point and well made.”

“Now, let’s see…” And he pulled out a parchment. “Ah. Yes. Conker…surname?”

“The Squirrel.”

“Oh bloody hell! Not another sodding squirrel!”

“Is there a problem with that?”

“Well, yes there is, actually. It’s like those bloody cats. Such a pain in the arse. You’re one of these “special cases.””

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. Apparently according to the powers that be… I’m just doing my job. I do what I’m told. I don’t even get paid very much. Apparently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with.”

“Oh. I see. So am I dead?”

“Well yes, but actually no.”

“Huh. Right. Well, I’ll be off then.”

“Stop right there! Cheeky little bugger. You don’t get out of it that easily. Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesn’t mean you can’t die. You just have a few more, shall we say, chances. Yes. Like cats. I hate those things. Distributed around your little world are these tail things. Squirrels’ tails. If you can get them, I’ll give you an extra chance. Understand?”

“Um. Well. Sounds a bit strange but okay.”

“Strange? It’s the best bloody deal you’re going to get, you little prick. Right. Piss off. I’ve got some cats to see.” And he trudged off, and I could hear him muttering something like “Bloody things. I hate those bloody cats. The way they meow and piss everywhere, and their **** smells just bloody awful. All over my furniture…”

And then, just as promised, I was back into the living world. In front of the same gargoyle. But then I noticed something right behind me. It was a frying pan! But I wasn’t going to fry bacon with it. You know what I did with it? It’s quite predictable actually.

That’s right, I smashed that gargoyle to bits. Actually, it was pretty easy. I then saw another oak stump, headed for it and out popped a TNT box. I ran and waited for the explosion, then came back. There was a whole new pathway waiting for me!

“Whoa! Yep. Fantastic. Let’s go and get some shut-eye… finally!”

But it was a long way till I could do that.

Chapter 2

WINDY

This chapter’s name isn’t very indicative, don’tcha think, Mr. Author Sir?

Anyway, as I went through the newfound pathway, I could swear I heard a voice squeaking, “Have I got everything? Have I got everything? Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! You know what he's like. You know what he's like. Make a good entrance. Zis could be important.”

I then heard a very deep voice growl, “Ah. Professor. I have a job for you. As you can see, the table.”

“Ze table! Ah yes. So, you have spilt ze milk again? That's not gut. Not gut! Let me have a look at it for you. Yes. I... I think I see the problem. Ze side leg is broken. I vill see vat I can do. You must give me a moment, though. I vill come back later.”

“Don’t be too long.”

“I vill be as quick as I can, sire.”

“Cause you know what happened last time.”

“Oh. Heh. Only too well. Only too well. I vill go now.”

“I don’t want to have to get the duct tape out again.”

“Yes. I mean, no. I don’t vant you to get the duct tape out again. Goodbye! Goodbye!”

I was overhearing this conversation very attentively for no particular reason. Curiosity never killed the squirrel, after all. Then I heard the same squeaky voice somewhere else. I went there and heard it say this, “Duct tape! I’ll give him the duct tape. ******* ********. I’ll come down here. I’ll show him where the duct tape is. I’ll show him where to stuff it! Stupid ******! All I do all day is try to sort his stupid ******* problems out. *******! I ******* hate that ******! Anyway, vat vere ve? Ze milk, ze milk, ze table, ze table. Oh, vat shall ve do vit zis? Um. Clean slate, ja, clean slate. Anti-gravity chocolate is… kinda vurking. Ah. Zat vill do. Out the ******* vindow vit zat.”

And from above descended a piece of chocolate, which I ate. It wasn’t Nebula, but I still enjoyed it. Plus, I felt less on the brink of death!

I ran forward into what looked like a queen bee. I was hoping she was rich because she wasn’t cute.

“Oh, those nasty, nasty wasps,” she exclaimed, “What ever shall we do? My beautiful hive has gone, and I’ll never see it again!”

“What do you want me to do about it?” I asked, surprised she was venting her frustration out at me.

“Please get it back for us. Otherwise, I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

“Ok. Ok. Calm down. I’ll go and get it for you. Now, where is it?”

“Just follow the signs.”

Odd for signs to give me the exact location of the thing I’m looking for in a fetch quest. Nevertheless, I followed them and found the hive. But a bunch of wasps were waiting for me.

“Hey!” said one of them, whom I thought was their leader, “hey! Some wise guy’s trying to steal our nice new hive!”

“Come on, boss,” said another, “let’s go get him!”

“Yeah, let’s get him!”

And after a rather wild squirrel chase, the hive went back to its rightful owner, and suddenly turned into a turret. My one thought was to kill the idiotic wasps with it.

“Eat lead, muthabuzza!” I said as the turret opened fire and slaughtered the horrendous hornets mercilessly.

“Oh, thank you Mr. Squirrel,” said the queen bee, “none of this would have happened if it weren’t for that no-good husband of mine. He’s gone off, you know, with another woman.”

“Oh, really? That doesn’t surprise me,” I replied.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Anyway. As a reward for your good service to the bee community, I present you with this.”

And from the back of a beehive walked a wad of cash. Yeah, I said walked. I’m a talking squirrel, what did you expect?

The one thing on my mind was “Ka-ching!”. And so I stuffed the cash into my pocket and went on my way.

As I walked forward, I could swear I heard the same squeaky voice earlier in this chapter say this: “So. What is ze key elements in this experimentation? We have ze table here. And ze milk in ze glass broken. Ah. I see the problem. Oh. And there seems to be a… hmm. Seems to be a… hmm. I must do some experiments, I think. Ja. Ja we will sort this out. And when my Tediz are ready, then, my lord, we will see who uses the duct tape!”

Chapter 3

BARN BOYS

I then found myself in a farm, standing next to two bales of hay, one over the other. The one down said “I say, uh, I say little fella. You’d better get this fat-ass ***** offa my back pronto.”

“Gee, so many people around here want me to solve their problems,” I replied, “What are you gonna do for me then?”

“I’ll tell you what I'm gonna do. I say, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. You get rid of that freaking mouse critter and maybe I’ll help you out. Just maybe. Oh, just one more thing, I say, just one more thing. You may run into my friend Burt. Just mention my name, Jack, and everything will be just dandy.”

In Live and Reloaded, the MP section of the game, the third MP map, Castle Von Tedestein. I'm wondering where the upgrade Orbs are? Every map seems to have a few freebies Orbs when you first start the game! Even The Beach assault, as SHC, if you didn't know there were ORBS in the landing boats, behind you... You weren't very observant! But both boats have 2 orbs, very back, and they're taken by the Dumbots in moments after starting. When I play the beach assault, when it starts, I don't even look behind me, I just back step as quickly as possible, and grab one. But look, and you'll see the orbs, next time you play the beach front!! DONT tell your friends if your playing against someone, and you'll have an advantage!

Anyone. Back on subject! Does anyone know where I can find the initial Orbs playing SHC on Castle Von Tedestein??

Thanks.

Dammit! Conker could have just accepted having 1 dollar and give the 9 dollars to the catfishes. But no... he decided to keep the 10 dollars for himself. But was this worth it?

Comment below

So alcohol is not for kids and teenage because they're only adult. Long Ranger, Tediz or any adult, suddenly SHC Sneeker, Demolisher, Grunt, and Sky Jockey are not drinking alcohol it's a teenage but SHC Thermophile also he don't want a alcohol he's a kid.

I have Ninja Ripper, Xemu, and a working Conker Live and Reloaded ROM. But so far, my first attempt to rip via this emulator is unsuccessful.If you successfully ripped models from Conker Live and Reloaded via Ninja Ripper and Xemu, what steps did you follow? I'm too nervous to try the other injection modes as it took me 365 tries to get past Surf Punks and I'm afraid to lose my saved progress just to get to the war chapter to rip the specific models in question.

I need the robo-spider/spider mine, jumping crate from It's War, the Class Twenty-Two Tank (both from when you first encounter it from the beginning of Chemical Warfare and when it gets destroyed (during The Experiment boss battle), the 6 grenades - Frag, Stun, Magnova, CJ24, Smoke, and Napalm (from both old war and future war), the old war terminal, the ceiling earthguard, and the old war Steed (both with it's landing gear down and up ).

Twelve Tales: Conker 64 is rated E for Mild Animated Violence. While it was first believed to be an April Fool's joke, the game went unreleased and replaced with Conker's Bad Fur Day in 2001. The game released in its stead was rated "M" and gave Conker's world a more adult tone, with perverted characters, a more mature Berri (both in personality and appearance), and a lead squirrel who is now an alcoholic.

Link this to see the trailer:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmRMwaDWFZg&t=1s

How do you all feel about Conker's most notorious game turning 20. In all seriousness, I feel really sorry that all you guys have only been getting prematurely cancelled projects and tech demos. Let's hope Conker will return.